Nadz white

Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom in gifs so you don’t have to read or watch it.

mickeysdicksmasherseasonpass:

So, you have your cast of four creepy fascist Italians who are sadistic child molesting perverts. In the book (The 120 Days of Sodom), they’re in this Swiss castle which I will refer to as “Buttland,” as an homage to the genius tumblr page of the same name.

They basically look like this. Do me a favor and just imagine a fourth guy there who looks exactly the same.

At the beginning of the movie they’re concocting their stupid sinister plot and sitting around like

and don’t forget this one!

aaaaaaaaaaaand this one.

They go around Italy and steal a bunch of kids. They’re in probably the same car used in The Godfather, and see three male specimens and so the leader is just like “MUSH!” And they get the three boys. Typical European film writing scene here:

Kidnapper/pervert 1: Where are you going?

Poor kid who should have stayed at home watching free porn on the internet: *lightly touches back of head with facial expression that is equal parts boredom, confusion, and derp.

In the book they steal like, 150 boys and 120 girls or vice versa or some nonsense, but in this movie (because nobody would respond to a casting call that required 270 naked kids) they just steal 9 kids per gender, and one of each ends up dying one way or another. And being shot in the back Willem Dafoe Platoon style/slitting your own throat is actually way better than anything these four butt buddies have to offer your adolescent about-to-be-traumatized-out-of-your-ronald-mcmind ass.

The boy that gets Willem Dafoed jumps out of the back of the Buttsecksmobile running like

and hauls ass for maybe like, 100 feet before he gets gunned down.

They get the kids to Buttland and whip out this composition book, of which they have only filled out like half a page of rules and brainstorming how they’re going to go about arranging the rides at Six Flags over Buttland. Wow. You guys are so creative. Your list of passions is so comprehensive that I don’t know how I could ever conceive of grasping your genius.

They read out of the stupid FiveStar or whatever 40s/50s Fascist Italy had at the time at Staples, and their readings are basically the following:

• We will wake your asses up at 6:00 AM SHARP EVERY DAY FOR OUR PLEASURE
• If you mention religion, we will punish you
• If we find a male having sex with a female we will punish you
• MORE ARBITRARY UNMEMORABLE RULES
• Also, they tell a bunch of stupid jokes that aren’t even funny in English. (LOL THIS GUY HAD A FRIEND NAMED 6 TIMES 8 AND WENT LOOKING FOR HIM AND SAW SOME GUY WHO LOOKED LIKE 6 TIMES 8 AND YELLED 6 TIMES 8 AND THE GUY YELLED 48 OMG LOL BBQ YOUR ASS

So they get the girls all settled down and what not, and one girl is just like

Sooooo she cuts her own throat. Which is way better than what happens to Eva like, ten frickin’ minutes later.

Then they try to teach the girls how to give hand jobs using a mannequin that they obviously stole from Dillard’s.

But the first girl is just like “I don’t want this white stuff.”

Then it’s dinner time.

The girls are forced to serve dinner naked, which is not awesome especially considering the context of this entire movie. They were kidnapped. They cry themselves to sleep every night.

So yeah they serve all this food. But the quality of the movie is from 1975 (in Italy) so the whole thing looks like a viral video that lasts for over an hour and a half. So let’s just assume they were serving pancakes.

While one of them is walking around serving like, Earl Grey in Farberware saucers, one of the dozens of random-ass soldiers in Buttland is like LOL U GON TRIP, BITCH.

So yeah, she trips. And then immediately gets a dose of surprise buttsecks.

I’m going to spare you the details of what transpired because I’m not some evil asshole trying to get you to barf Code Red/Mike’s Hard Bubble Gum Wine Coolers/Milk/Four Loko/insert beverage of choice all over your computer. So here are my reactions to this scene that I will never speak of again. I started staring at a chair once I realized what was happening, but I kept looking up because I thought it was over. Turns out Italians in movies are just really quiet, which is deceptive and you should be ashamed of yourself, perverted Italian Gerard Butler.

Me:

That was me on the inside. I didn’t have enough room to flail my arms about.

I don’t exactly remember what happens directly after that, because it all starts blending together. Same crap, different hour/day/I don’t have a concept of time in this ridiculous film.

Kay, so, moving on. Now that I remember something.

They have four storytellers, even though they only get to two. Sux 4 u, storytellers 3 and 4. Or maybe not.

So they’re telling the stories of how they came to be procuresses and hookers and kidnappers and how they learned to love getting R. Kelly’d every hour on the hour. And when I read the book, probably for the sake of my own sanity, I just imagined them sitting on some crushed velvet couch (wishful thinking, Elizabeth) talking and waving their hands about.

BUT NO.

THEY DO THESE SHITTY INTERPRETIVE DANCES.

Every so often, and by every so often I mean like every other time you f-ing blink, one of the friends will grab a random naked or clothed kid and be like

But instead of a gay bar, it’s a closet. Where you get peed on. Every single one of the dudes is just like

every time the storyteller says something that makes them

It’s ridiculous.

In both the movie and the book, every single character has the best ass. Then they have a butt competition where the “friends” are like “lol turn off da lights and give us a flashlight,” proceed to examine a jubilee/array/extravaganza of BUTTS.

[Disclaimer: I am extremely disturbed that the only gif appropriate to emulate this scene comes from a children’s show. Kill me now.]

Then they’re like “THE OWNER OF THE BEST BUTT SHALL BE SHOT.” The gold medalist wins by a landslide victory of 3 pervs to 1 perv.

And the kid, I think his name is like, Franchino. Something really stereotypically Italian. And he’s just like:

After like five seconds they’re like LOLJK then get super-pissed and are like DID YOU THINK WE WOULD KILL YOU JUST YET WE HAVE OVER 9,000 HORRORS PREPARED FOR YO, MY SWEET. And the kid’s just like uhhh because honestly, guise, what does that even mean.

Then they have this totally awesome wedding ceremony, and by totally awesome I mean it looks like some Lady GaGa/Legends of the Hidden Temple nightmare during which I could not control my laughter. The Bishop character who is marrying the other three pervs to three of the dudes is just sitting there like

I'MA MARRY Y'ALL TOGETHER. And every time one of the poor kids’ names gets called they always look like this at whoever addresses them:

It’s like…hungover despair.

And the first boy, I think it might have been… Umberto? Sergio? I don’t know, they didn’t wear name tags. I’m pretty sure their butts were the sole identifier according to the butt buddiez 4 lyfe.

Yeah, so, the first poor kid who has to marry this creepy old man (who has a serious lazy eye and there’s a scene when he’s looking through a pair of binoculars, and I was just like bitch you are selfish give them to someone else and use your minocular like the cross-eyed son of a bitch that you are) is just like

That wizard outfit really isn’t too far in terms of ridiculousness from what the President character was wearing. In the book I think he’d be Curval. He never, ever stopped pedo-smiling. Ever.

Courtesy of Maddox, this is what a pedo-smile is.

1. pedosmile: (noun) - half smirk, half grin, all molester.

Now imagine that smile across someone’s entire face. That is that man’s face. If I ever go back to Italy, and I see him and absolutely know that it’s him, I will commit arson on his face. Which he does at the end of the movie to very sensitive parts of people’s bodies.

Then for some reason, the…Bishop? I think? Well, some bitch goes into the boys’ bedroom, turns on the lights – and nobody wakes up. Seriously? The second you put like 10 watts of light upon my eyelids while I’m slumbering I do this:

I WAKE UP.

One of them wakes up and is like MISTER MISTER PLEASE. And the Bishop is just like

So the kid’s like “I have a secret. One of ze girls has a photograph under her pillow. IT’S AGAINST THE RULES SPARE ME AND MY BEAUTIFUL ASS.”

So, the Bishop goes to the girl’s room, and Zelafleckinalia or whatever the hell her name gives him the photograph of some boy sitting on a bike. Oh wow. Scandalous. I was really hoping it’d be a British short-hair kitten or some irrelevant bulljive. So she was is just like “……I ALSO HAVE A SECRET. DONATELLA AND VERSACE ARE MAKING OUT RITE NAO IN THE ROOM NEXT TO US.”

So now you have this huge-ass Scooby-Doo Investigative Unit trolling around the castle like it’s fucking National Treasure and one clue will lead to another clue and lead to another clue and lead to another clue and then Jon Voigt gets duct-taped to a chair THE END. So the two girls making out lead them to one of the soldiers who is unenthusiastically having the secks with one of the maids.

They hesitate before shooting him, and I was hoping they’d let the maid stay or that their conversation would at least be this:

So Scooby & Da Gang go back to bed and then the next day basically everybody gets brutally massacred while naked.

All the friends take turns watching the other three doing the massacring, then there’s this kind of political statement scene where the woman who played the accordion during the storytelling looks out a window, yawns, and then jumps out of it and busts her head open.

Yeah, okay, sure. I mean it makes sense. Dr. Z explained it in its historical context of fascists having so much power that they get bored with their lives to the point where taking their own lives is basically as exciting as me checking my mailbox.

I’ll be honest, I either crossed or closed my eyes for the last ten or fifteen minutes. The torture/hanging scenes at the end are unbearable and I felt my sanity hanging by a thread.

I hope you sort of enjoyed this and that my telling of it with the gifs will A) prevent you from being visually/imaginatively harassed by everything I just said, and B) encourage you to stay the hell away from this movie that not even Nicolas Cage would appear in no matter how broke his ass gets.

Oh, and the ending? I’m going to spoil it for you right now.

Two soldiers. One changes the radio station to some jazzercise shit. They dance together.

Soldier 1: “What’s your girlfriend’s name?”

Soldier 2: “Marguerita.”

FINE.